Self-driving Pizza
by Valkyrnovas
Summary: Cloud volunteers to test a new delivery service and ends up with more than he bargained for.


**Self-driving Pizza**

 **A/N:** So I read this BBC article (I know... _again_ ) and all sorts of ideas started bouncing in my head. This is the result.

* * *

"Domino's Pizza. How may I help you, Mr. Strife?"

"Hi, I'd like a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and sauce."

"Alright, your order will arrive in about 30 minutes. The Mayor thanks you for your continued patronage. Have a nice day!" With that overly cheerful remark, the call ended with a click.

Domino's Pizza is a popular franchise owned by none other than Mayor Domino, the mayor of Midgar. Of course, he's Mayor only in name as all governmental power is held by Shinra Electric Power Company. Unsatisfied with just being a public figurehead and disillusioned with the company he worked for, he went on to set up a pizza delivery business on the side and now runs one of the most successful pizza chains on the planet.

Cloud leaned back against his sofa as he opened up the smartphone app that tracked the progress of his pizza. This part was obligatory as Cloud had opted to participate in Domino's new experiment with self-driving pizza delivery cars and in exchange for his feedback, his first order would be complimentary. And hey, who was he to pass up free food?

Shinra recently developed a new line of self-driving cars called, the Shinra Fusion Hybrid Autonomous Research Vehicle. In a bid to test their new technology, Shinra tied up with various businesses in the retail industry that ran delivery services as part of their operations, including ironically Domino's.

When he signed up for the experiment, a Shinra customer service personnel had given him a brief rundown of what would happen. Turns out that the whole process would be entirely self-service as he was expected to monitor the delivery via the smartphone app. Cloud would then have to leave his apartment and go all the way to the ground floor to pick up his pizza. In the backseat of the autonomous vehicle would be a special oven which he needed to input the special code he was given to retrieve his order. And that was it. He didn't even need to carry Gil as all payments were made via ChocoWallet when the order is placed. Apart from the prospect of traversing long flights stairs _twice_ , he thought it was a pretty neat idea. It would probably be better if he lived in a suburban home rather than the seventh floor of a twelve-storey apartment. Plus, there were no lifts in the slums.

He glanced down as he felt his phone vibrate with a beep. The display showed a tiny red dot in front of his building on the on-screen map. The car was here. He set down the device on the coffee table and headed for the door, making sure to snatch his apartment keys from the kitchen counter along the way.

Upon exiting the building, he spotted a sleek silver sedan bearing Domino's logo on the side, parked in a white box across the street. As he made his way over, someone – a drop-dead gorgeous someone – stepped out of the driver's seat, with hair that outshined the metallic coating of the car. Two others also exited the vehicle, but he didn't notice them as his entire attention focused on the silver-haired Adonis before him.

"Hello, are you the one who ordered the large pepperoni...Mr. Strife is it?" The silverette asked.

Cloud dumbly nodded before snapping out of his daze. "Yes! Yes, I am. Just Cloud is fine, though. And you are...?" He tapered off.

"Ah, forgive me. My name is Sephiroth. These are my colleagues Angeal and Genesis," the silverette gestured to the men as they stepped forward. "We're from Shinra's development team and we will be recording your customer experience for our research," he explained smoothly.

"Oh, well to be honest, I wasn't expecting this many people to be involved," Cloud mentioned.

"The findings from this experiment will greatly inform our research, so of course we need a few extra hands to be able to capture everything. Angeal and Genesis will be recording what goes on during the delivery process while I'll be asking you a few questions about your user experience. Any questions before we proceed?" Sephiroth asked with genuine interest.

"Yes, um, I thought these were autonomous vehicles, but you were in the driver's seat so...they're not self-driving cars?" Cloud voiced a tad unsurely.

"Hmm? Yes, they are completely self-driving. It's just that we're not testing for that in this experiment. When the programme is eventually rolled out, you will receive your order from a fully autonomous vehicle. For the time being, the vehicle will be operated by a human safety engineer," the silverette clarified.

"So in short you're a driver," Cloud said wryly.

"Yes, that's essentially it," Sephiroth answered with mirth dancing in emerald-green depths.

"Can we get a move on here? I can't believe this is taking so long and you haven't even approached the Gaia damned car! What kind of delivery takes this much time?!" The auburn-haired male, Genesis burst in exasperation.

"Give it a rest, Genesis! You know as well as I do that the experiment only starts when the subject opens the car door!" Sephiroth shouted across the hood of the car. He then turned towards Cloud with an apologetic expression. "Don't mind him. He's just slightly more temperamental than usual because he's in charge of keeping time. He also has a bit of a perfectionist streak in him which is hardly conducive for our test sub – volunteers."

"Oh, okay. I guess that means I should do a speedrun or something?" Cloud quipped playfully.

"Don't worry about it. Just go at your own pace. Remember we're testing for how people will interact with the vehicle under normal circumstances and I doubt the average person will bust out in a show of athletics...especially not for some pie," Sephiroth said with a quirk of his lips. "Shall we begin?"

"Yeah, sure," Cloud answered.

"Alright, whenever you're ready. Just act casually and don't be intimidated by Genesis. Legally, he can't do anything to you except hurl verbal insults. As a reminder, the timer only starts when you touch the handle," Sephiroth advised the young man.

"Okay, got it. Take it easy and ignore the mad barking from the red mutt," Cloud repeated nonchalantly.

"Brat! Well, let's see how cocky you are when you face the pizza oven from Hel!" Genesis exclaimed vehemently.

* * *

Cloud stood triumphantly as he twirled the pizza box in his hands.

"8.11 seconds...Not bad...for a brat," Genesis muttered with condescending eyes.

"Genesis, be nice," Angeal requested with a weary sigh. "That's the fastest time we have on record so far. He then turned towards Cloud with eyes that pleaded for understanding. "He wasn't kidding about the pizza oven. A lot of people struggled with that part."

"Well done, Cloud," Sephiroth congratulated with a sincere smile. "Now for the next part of our research, I'd like to ask you a few questions."

"Okay, shoot," Cloud said. Upon his agreement, the silverette procured a Dictaphone from within his business suit and switched it on. The little red blinking light signalled that the device was recording.

"We're interested to learn what people think about this new type of delivery. How did you feel about coming outside to get your food?" Sephiroth asked.

"Well, it's certainly different from what I'm used to. There's quite a bit of extra work involved. And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't live on the seventh floor with no lift, but I guess I can treat it as a sort of workout before getting my reward," Cloud replied.

"Yes, I understand that people are used to having pizza delivered to their doorstep. As you've said, this delivery method requires you, the customer, to do some legwork. Are you happy with exerting yourself on additional tasks such as monitoring the smartphone app, coming down to retrieve the pizza and walking back up seven flights of stairs?" Sephiroth inquired.

"Hmm, it's kind of a mixed bundle. On one hand, I really like the pizza oven concept. It keeps the pizza piping hot, much hotter than from the back of a delivery bike. Although, I'd be happier if the pizza could teleport straight to my coffee table. Maybe...I dunno, send it up via a drone or something," Cloud voiced one of his thoughts.

"Yes, a lot of the subjects we interviewed mentioned the same thing. Actually, we have already considered an autonomous car-drone combination. However, we'd need a lot more resources and therefore funds for that model to work. Not to mention, hiring pilots to operate the drones and we both know how generous Shinra is when it comes to budgeting. That bloodsucker – Ah, rats! I'll have to delete that from the recording...," Sephiroth mentioned in afterthought. "Anyway, Shinra's aiming for a more hands-off service from the supply side, so I'm afraid cardio will be part of your routine for the foreseeable future," he informed with small twist to his lips.

"Ah well, it's no big deal. At least I can enjoy my grease and carbs with a clear conscience," Cloud stated positively.

"I admire your optimism. Now, for my next question…"

* * *

Golden brows pulled together in a frown while the blond fidgeted in place. To say he was getting impatient was an understatement. He was fine with answering the consumer survey in the beginning, but as time went on they got more and more ridiculous. Sephiroth had asked him to name his favourite food, favourite colour, relationship status and all sorts of personal questions. How these contributed to the silverette's research was beyond him. What's more, a lot of time had passed during this seemingly endless Q&A session. So much so that he feared for the viability of his pizza. Ideally they should be consumed fresh from the oven. That was when the cheese had optimum elasticity and generally awesome gooeyness. And his pizza was rapidly cooling in the smog-filled night air (it was actually midday, but this being the slums, well...eternal night and all). Back to the point...Didn't Sephiroth know that cheese turned into glue when it got cold? Cloud decided to intervene before his pizza was beyond salvageable.

"Sephiroth..." Cloud started.

"...in the interest of science...Hm? Yes, Cloud?" Green eyes flitted to the blond.

"How much more is there? It just that...the pizza's getting cold, so the cheese won't be as good and...the meat won't be hot and crispy...uh..." Gaia, that sounded pathetic when said out loud.

"Just a couple more and we'll be done, I promise. You're doing wonderfully. Please bear with me for a few more minutes," the silverette entreated.

"But that's what you said 20 minutes ago!" Cloud bemoaned.

"Did I? I apologise. It's just that your answers are really intriguing and provides fresh insight for my research. Anyway, I really mean it this time. It will only take a minute or two. Truly," he impored, emerald eyes shining with anticipation.

"Alright...fire away..." Cloud reluctantly agreed with a heavy sigh.

"Would you say that your overall experience is likely to be enhanced if the car is parked in the lot across the street versus next to the curb?" Sephiroth asked.

"The curb, obviously," Cloud snapped.

"I see..." In a softer voice, the silverette spoke into the Dictaphone. "Subject is fast becoming aggressive and short...probably a side effect of extended questioning."

"No shit! Also, I _can_ hear you, you know," Cloud commented with an arched golden brow. "Anyways, get on with it."

"Alright, let's see...would you recommend this delivery service to your friends, including but not limited to heterosexuals, homosexuals, transgenders or bisexuals?"

"What the Hel kinda question is that?" Cloud demanded incredulously.

"I assure you, it is a legitimate question. It's part of the company's effort to build its public image to be seen as an inclusive and caring organisation," Sephiroth calmly elaborated.

That sounded plausibly reasonable. "Uh, yeah of course I would. I mean people can't help who they like and it would be hypocritical of me to turn away my friends just because of their preferences," Cloud replied albeit sceptical.

"Ah, you are an open-minded individual. Okay, for the sake of completeness, I need to have your sexual preference on record. It's for marketing. Shinra wants to intimately know their target group, to better cater their services," Sephiroth informed with a professional air.

Cloud found that _really_ hard to swallow, but answered anyway. "I'm gay."

"Fascinating. And that's a wrap. Thank you, Cloud. I am deeply grateful for your time and patience. You have provided us with extremely valuable material that will definitely further our research project," Sephiroth said as he stopped the recording.

"No problem. So, if that's all...can I go now?" Cloud was all for bolting, in case the silverette suddenly changed his mind and popped another series of questions.

"Yes, you are free to leave, but please...allow me to escort you to your building. It's the least I can do for taking up so much of your time," Sephiroth offered with a light smile.

"Oh, um...okay. Thanks," Cloud accepted, a bit bewildered by the kind gesture. The silverette casually draped an arm across his shoulder and together they crossed the street. It was a short distance so they arrived at the building's entrance in less than a minute.

"Uh, well...I guess this is goodbye." Now that the survey was over, it hit him that he would never see this beautiful man again. He needed to say something – anything. "I'm really glad to have met you. I will forever cherish our moment together." Okay, anything but _that_. Gaia, he sounded like such a hopeless sap. Luckily, Sephiroth didn't seem to mind his weird admission.

"Likewise. It was my _pleasure_ to make your acquaintance," the silverette said as he stepped closer until the pizza box was firmly wedged between their torsos. Sephiroth leaned down, causing silver locks to cascade around them like a shimmering waterfall.

"Here's my number," Sephiroth said as he slipped his business card into the back of Cloud's jeans pocket. His fingers lingering a touch too long for what is considered appropriate.

"But, I already have your number. It's right here on the order slip," Cloud pointed out in a deceptive calm. His heartbeat was racing a mile a minute what with the silverette leaning in so dangerously close to him.

"This is my private number...in case you want to indulge in a different kind of _hot meat_ ," Sephiroth said with smouldering bedroom eyes. A mad cackle erupted from across the street.

The closeness and the warm breath ghosting over his cheeks left Cloud in flustered daze. Gaia, he had just had his personal space invaded, been groped and propositioned all at once. And he loved every second of it! He didn't even care that the silverette had made an unusual innuendo out of protein. Sephiroth could probably make anything sound sexy, especially when he said it in that sinfully deep baritone. The silverette's voice did all sorts of wonderfully delicious things to his body, with his legs threatening to turn into a jellified mush. As it were, his mouth was uncooperative as he struggled to form a coherent reply. The pizza box was dangerously close to being crushed between their warm bodies, but that was the least of his concerns. Right now, his focus was fixed on the beautiful pair of lips that were only a hairsbreadth away, all the while thinking why the silverette wasn't hurrying the fuck up and kissing him already.

With a breathtaking smirk, Sephiroth pulled away from Cloud, eliciting a very embarrassing whine of disappointment from the blond. His eyes roved over Cloud's form in one last appreciative glance before he spun on his heel. Long gorgeous locks of silver swished in a wide arc around him as he strode across the street to the delivery car where his colleagues awaited him, wearing various expressions of amusement.

"How was I? Did I do alright?" He whispered the minute he was out of earshot.

"I suppose it was a smooth delivery...right up until the last part, that is," Angeal commented with an incessant twitch on his lips.

"I'll say! I think you killed him with that 'hot meat' line. For Minerva's sake, the poor boy looked like he was having an aneurysm!" Genesis gasped as another bout of laughter ensued.

"Shut up and get in the car. You're making a scene," the silverette hissed scathingly. With that, all three shuffled wordlessly into the car accompanied by a percussion of breathless wheezing and sniggering. As soon as he got the engine started, Sephiroth tore out of the parking lot, leaving a trail of tire marks coupled with the smell of burnt rubber lingering in the air.

Meanwhile, Cloud remained dumbstruck on the curb as he watched the silver car pull away and speed down the lane. The moment he got his wits back, he took off running into his building. Cloud practically flew up the flights of stairs, taking the steps five at a time as he was suddenly filled with a surge of excitement he hadn't felt since his childhood. Arriving on his floor, he made a mad dash into his apartment, half-crumpled pizza box and all. He had a date to make!

* * *

 **A/N:** I should probably stop reading news articles, especially ones from the BBC website if I want to make any progress with my ongoing fics. The site is a nest of temptation! It's like a highly efficient plot generator.

" _I read it in the paper so it must be true. I love newspapers_." - Jim Moriarty

Yes! I love newspapers too! And also the Sherlock series, which coincidentally is a BBC One production. oO

Also, is my love for Portal obvious? No? Dammit, I knew I should have inserted a potato reference somewhere.

Oh! I read on Wiki that Mayor Domino's name is a reference to Domino's. So this fic is a real life reference to a fictional character, who in turn was a reference to real life. What do we get? Heaping amounts of cheese!

Thanks for bearing with my absolutely random plots! I'll attempt to make the next one even cheesier and saucier! =D

Here's the title of the article, in case anyone's interested:

The BBC, 29 August 2017: Self-driving pizza delivery cars to be tested in the US


End file.
